Holy Hollywood! Paparazzi

Henry David Thoreau said that "most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Now, I don't know what that means, exactly. Heck, unless Ashlee Simpson said it or JK Rowling wrote it, I don't care! What I do know is that if most men lead lives of something something, then the other men lead lives of pure annoyance!

Did you know where the term paparazzi comes from? I do. Sort of. It's from Italy, or something, from a movie before the 1990s. It doesn't matter. Anything made before 1995 is just mush to me. Paparazzi might as well be mush to me, too. Or at least, I'd like to mush them. With my thumb.

Wow, that came off way more sexual than I ever intended. I think. I don't know what the lines are for sexual innuendo anymore. What I do know is that the paparazzi have GOT to GO.

Never you mind that without the paparazzi, I wouldn't have my precious Us Weekly or People magazine. We're second to celebrities, as if that wasn't clear enough as it is. What celebrities want, celebrities get. I think I can speak for all celebrities when I say, "paparazzi! Enough is enough! Go back to Italy! Go to China! Go to Africa! Then go back to Italy!"

Maybe that worldwide trip to three different continents will give them enough perspective and build enough character to infuse them back into the American public. It might also spread disease all around the world. All I know is that I can't wait to see what crotches they photograph in the middle of the Congo (what?). The point is, the world (Hollywood) would be a better place if they were paparazzi-less.

Oh, what's that? You don't agree with me? You think that celebrities should have to put up with this crap? Listen lady (or man-lady), I don't come to where you write shit and pull the dildo out of your ass, so watch what you say to a professional (me). And you know what? I'm gonna take what you said at the top of this particular paragraph, and I'm going to go ahead and disprove you. Not only that, but because I already know I'm right, I'm going to do this as condescending as I can.

Listen fool, celebrities do not have to put up with paparazzi because (A) they work hard. When was the last time you worked hard? Clipping your toenails doesn't count, but that is really hard. Still thinking? I bet, and I also bet you haven't come up with anything. Here's the real truth about life and you can shove this in Henry David Thoreau's face: most men don't do anything. And woman do less!

Since that's true, maybe we all ought to get off our camels here in this Desert of Judgment and listen to what these celebrities got to say. Do you think they all arrived in Hollywood already perfect? Well, some did (Lindsay Lohan), but others worked hard to get to where they are.

I've found in my extensive research that working hard is the compilation of athleticism, communication, and kissing (ass). What equation does that make? WH=ACK or "WHACK" for short.

Most celebrities are firm students of WHACK. In fact, most of you know about WHACK. Ever see some "cool" skateboarder do a real, cool skateboarding move? Maybe, and if you did, someone inevitably said, "that's WHACK!" I bet you had no idea how right he was.

But skateboarding is neither here nor there. What is here and very in is WHACK. Live it, learn it, love it, and maybe you will one day be a celebrity!

Since they work so hard and you...you don't, it should be fairly obvious now why paparazzi are a bad idea. No? You still don't agree with me? What a FOOL you are. As if working hard wasn't enough, there's always more reasons why celebrities don't deserve to have paparazzi. (B) They might be terrorists.

Does anyone check these guys for bombs at big red carpet events? Maybe, and I'm not prone to find out. So I'm gonna say no. What sort of security are we running here? Julia Roberts could be mingling down the carpet, her two children holding her hand on either side, taking their first steps in public, when a crazed paparazzi jumps to the front of the velvet rope and KABLOOIE.

If there's one thing true about terrorists, it's that they hate America. If there's another thing true, it's that they LOVE celebrities! Terrorists can't get enough of movie stars. Have you ever been to a terrorism headquarters? It's nothing but pictures of Jared Leto, Reece Witherspoon, and Johnny Depp. Now, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), terrorists aren't the smartest people in the world. Sometimes they get people mixed up. For example, the World Trade Center isn't an airport, silly! Put on some glasses! Jeez, someone needed a few more lessons...

As you can see, terrorists aren't always the sharpest knives in the metaphorical drawer. Or is it shed? Maybe it's a drawer in the shed. Oh, who am I kidding? A terrorist wouldn't know what to do with a knife anyway. He'd be like, "El knife? What this?" And then he'd put it in an electrical socket while the rest of the world watched and laughed and returned to the punch bowl.

But, as funny as terrorists are with their fumbling and bumbling, sometimes they fumble and bumble into trumble...I mean, trouble. But maybe, from now on, fumbling trouble can just me "trumble."

The most trumbling event I can foresee happening is, say, the Oscars - the State of the Union of Hollywood. Someone like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are making nice with the reporters when a terrorist/reporter butts in a little too close, forgets he's still wired with a belt of explosives and blows everyone up. Silly terrorist! Why can't you remember to leave that stuff at home?

Really now, how can terrorists be so stupid? Why, wherever Terrorism City is, I'd hate to go to the airport. It's just be plane after plane after plane crashing onto the pavement. Why did they even build an airport? Surely, someone must have realized this would only end in explosions.

The final reason why paparazzi have GOT to GO is (C) they're not cool. What makes Hollywood so wonderful and dreadfully unattainable is this illusionary wall blocking us from being there unless we're cool enough. Every time some paparazzi member gets in there, it immediately takes away credibility.

Let's say there's a bowl of ice cream. Something really exquisite with all kinds of toppings and little things in there for flavor. It's a mish-mash of heaven. Certainly, you wouldn't include meat (like you) in the ice cream, would you? No, meat has no place in a bowl of ice cream. And certainly flies (paparazzi) don't belong in ice cream, do they? Hell no! That ruins the ice cream! The ice cream must stay pure.

Such is the Hollywood. Paparazzi? Go away! I read the other day in Us Weekly that Angelina Jolie hates paparazzi. If Us Weekly said it, then that means I believe it doubly. Get out of America, paparazzi. We're annoying as it is on our own, thank you very much.